Hartbreaks

What Exactly Is Heartbreak?



Lots of things can cause heartbreak. Some people might have had a romantic relationship that ended before they were ready. Others might have strong feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same way. Or maybe a person feels sad or angry when a close friend ends or abandons the friendship. Although the causes may be different, the feeling of loss is the same — whether it's the loss of something real or the loss of something you only hoped for. People describe heartbreak as a feeling of heaviness, emptiness, and sadness.
How Can I Deal With How I Feel?

Most people will tell you you'll get over it or you'll meet someone else, but when it's happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same way. If you're experiencing these feelings, there are things you can do to lessen the pain. Here are some tips that might help:

* Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust — someone who recognizes what they're going through — helps them feel better. That could mean talking over all the things you feel, even having a good cry on the shoulder of a comforting friend or family member. Others find they heal better if they hang out and do the things they normally enjoy, like seeing a movie or going to a concert, to take their minds off the hurt. If you feel like someone can't relate to what you're going through or is dismissive of your feelings, find someone more sympathetic to talk to. (OK, we know that sharing feelings can be tough for guys, but you don't necessarily have to tell the football team or your wrestling coach what you're going through. Talk with a friend or family member, a teacher, or counselor. It might make you more comfortable if you find a female family member or friend, like an older sister or a neighbor, to talk to.)
* Remember what's good about you. This one is really important. Sometimes people with broken hearts start to blame themselves for what's happened. They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they're experiencing. If you find this happening to you, nip it in the bud! Remind yourself of your good qualities, and if you can't think of them because your broken heart is clouding your view, get your friends to remind you.
* Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful so don't let the rest of your body get broken too. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize stress and depression and give your self-esteem a boost.
* Don't be afraid to cry. Going through a break-up can be really tough, and getting some of those raw emotions out can be a big help. We know this is another tough one for guys, but there's no shame in crying now and then. No one has to see you do it — you don't have to start blubbering in class or at soccer practice or anything. Just a find a place where you can be alone, like crying into your pillow at night or in the shower when you're getting ready for the day.
* Do the things you normally enjoy. Whether it's seeing a movie or going to a concert, do something fun to take your mind off the negative feelings for a while.
* Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you're coping with sadness and grief, but it really helps. This is a great time to redecorate your room or try a new hobby. That doesn't mean you shouldn't think about what happened — working things through in our minds is all part of the healing process — it just means you should focus on other things too.
* Give yourself time. It takes time for sadness to go away. Almost everyone thinks they won't feel normal again, but the human spirit is amazing — and the heartbreak almost always heals after a while. But how long will that take? That depends on what caused your heartbreak, how you deal with loss, and how quickly you tend to bounce back from things. Getting over a break-up can take a couple of days to many weeks — and sometimes even months.

Some people feel that nothing will make them happy again and resort to alcohol or drugs. Others feel angry and want to hurt themselves or someone else. People who drink, do drugs, or cut themselves to escape from the reality of a loss may think they are numbing their pain, but the feeling is only temporary. They're not really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all their feelings build up inside and prolongs the sadness.

Sometimes the sadness is so deep — or lasts so long — that a person may need some extra support. For someone who isn't starting to feel better after a few weeks or who continues to feel depressed, talking to a counselor or therapist can be very helpful.

So be patient with yourself, and let the healing begin.

How to Heal a Broken Heart:

If you've just had a break-up and are feeling down, you're not alone. Just about everyone experiences a break-up at sometime, and many then have to deal with heartbreak — a wave of grief, anger, confusion, low self-esteem, and maybe even jealousy all at once. Millions of poems and songs have been written about having a broken heart and wars have even been fought because of heartbreak.
How long will it last? How long before that empty feeling fades away?
You try to go about your daily routine, try not to think about it too much. But it keeps coming back, sweeping over you like a wave - that feeling in the pit of your stomach - you suck in a big breath of air. How long am I going to feel this way.
Ever had someone twist your very heart from its cavern with only a couple of words, or worse just with an interminable silence? Ever had someone move on with their life as yours was left to flounder? There is a way to laugh and love again.

Steps

1. Try to understand why you are upset. What exact moment did you feel upset?
2. Don't think about whose fault it was- at one time or another, everyone makes mistakes. Don't worry about it.
3. Do something quiet and relaxing to help you feel better. Maybe you want to take a hot bath, or meditate, or read a book. That's fine.
4. In an hour, or two, or whenever you're ready, start thinking about whether you are ready to accept the other person's feelings.
5. If you are, go ahead, call them, write them a note, or whatever you need to do. Maybe you want to talk face-to-face. They may not be willing to see you, or talk to you, but you should make an effort. Even if they turn you down, you feel better that you tried, and maybe they'll recognize that you made an effort.
6. Move on. When you feel you are ready to open your heart again, find someone else to be with.
7. Smile! Seriously, smiling makes you feel better and if you gather a few good, close friends and have a laugh together, you'll remember how good life was without him/her and that you're okay really.
8. Remember the 2-year rule. It takes 2 years to learn a new job, to get accustomed to a new town and to completely heal a broken heart. If you follow these steps without remembering this first, you will be overly optimistic and disappointed. Real results are obtainable when realistic expectations are set.
9. The moment he, she or it hammers the last drop of blood from your still loving/beating heart, stop arguing with that person or the fantasy voice of that person about how they are wrong and you are right. Everytime you catch yourself arguing your point in your own mind, just say stop and focus on something completely different.
10. Gather all the memories of that person and put them in a box, with the exception of 1 picture, one item of food, one item of smell association and one related music item. Then on the next occasion of significance (a Saturday night for example...when you would have normally been with your heartbreaker...put on the music, douse yourself in the scent of memory, eat the special food, turn the lights down low, and cry and rant and wail. You must be at the top of your voice and able to move around the room. Note it is best to do this when you are alone -- see "how to act crazy" post.
11. Put away the memories. When you regain composure from step 2, put the remainder candy wrappers, music, item of smell memory in the box with the rest of the memory debris. Keep out the picture.

* Every day for a week when you walk by the picture of your former beloved, say out loud, "Forget you and the horse you rode in on," or some other suitable invective and then catch yourself arguing with the memory and say stop. Say it out loud, be your filthy angriest self in these mutterings.
* Every day for the second week when you walk by the picture of your former beloved, say out loud. I miss you, and then catch yourself arguing with the memory and say stop.
* Every day for the third week when you walk by the picture of your former soul mate, say I am sorry out loud to the picture.
12. Replace the picture of your former dearest, with a picture of yourself. But keep the picture in the same place, just put a picture of you on top of it. Then every day when you walk by the picture, say I am sorry out loud to the picture. Yes you are apologizing to yourself for having gone that far around the bend for someone who didn't know your value and worth, and who doesn't matter anymore.
13. Let time heal. It has been one month now. Go to someplace where you used to go or be near your so-called one-true love and go there with a friend (not alone, this is important). Mention 1 time and 1 time only how you used to drink at this very bar or your used to fend off Mr or Mrs. Wonderful's advances in that same back store room, mention it once only and then have a drink or file some papers, or do what ever you used to do, only now with a different person, preferably a comfortable friend who can smile knowingly then move the conversation forward.
14. Practice being honest to yourself every day.
15. Read a book every night before you go to sleep. You might never have read books, but nothing moves you outside of yourself better than a book, not a movie, not a music video, read a book. It will help you heal.
16. Start dating other people again and not be a raving lunatic after about 2 months.
17. Speak to people. Speak to friends. Try out forums online. Knowing that thousands like you are going through the same pain helps a lot.


Tips

* Do not go on any dates with the person from whom you are trying to heal. This is not productive and will not lead to healing. There is no more closure. There is only healing.
* When trying to heal do not accept phone calls and exchange flirty emails with the former object of your desire. This is also not productive and will only prolong the healing process.
* You are not healing from the broken heart your sweetie caused, to become more attractive to that person or to win that person back. When you catch yourself in this thought process, eat ice cream. (Note: Ice cream can be substituted for long walks or long swims or rough games of squash or R-ball) but in no way is anything you are doing targeted to get that person back. There is no getting back. The point is to get forward.
* Tell your friends once about your heartbreaking loss. If you cannot confine the discussion with your friends to one instance, confine the time spent discussing the gory details to no more than 1 hour actual time. You will need your friends later, so best to not wear out your welcome with them.
* Do not eat too much, drink too much or do drugs to get over your broken heart, unless of course that is how you always act, in which case it is important to remember that a lot of things change in 2 years. If you can change your ideal of self-honesty and acceptance in those next two years for the better, then you will have better odds of finding someone who will want what you want at the same time as you want it. It's all about timing really.
* It really helps if you have good friends who can watch over you and prevent you from doing and/or saying something that you will end up regretting!

Warning

* If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, talk to your doctor immediately!
* If you do not recover in 2 years time, and it still hurts really bad, try moving towns.
* Smart people who are psychologists will say, everyone heals at their own pace. The bruised and wounded heart makes one a more compassionate human, and it is that self-compassion which if nurtured will allow you to heal.

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